Category Archives: MENTAL HEALTH

Am I Numb or normal?

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As mentioned previously in another post I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time along with other issues. I have been on a new medication for just over a month now and I can feel the difference. The issue is I cannot tell if how I now feel is normal or am I numb?

Anxiety caused me to care and worry to excessive amounts. I cared about things I did in the past, and I am talking 30+ years in the past. I cared about what people thought of me, I worried about the present, past and future. I worried about my kids, my health, happiness, life, lack of a life, you name it and it was running through my head in a thoughts marathon. Now? Its quiet. I am not constantly fretting over some current issue or imagined issue. My head feels quieter and in a way it is freaking me out. Is this “normal”? I honestly have nothing to compare it too. I am still scatterbrained with ADHD so Its not total hushed but nothing like it was.

There are moments when I am sitting at my desk where I find myself pondering if I really just don’t care about the vast amount of crap I worried about anymore or if I am slightly numbed by the medication. I don’t think I know how to function when not in a constant high tension fight or flight mode. Now I am more of a “MEH!” mentality.

I have to say that before I was on this medication I would stress about what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just settle my brain and focus on the here and now. Why was I worried about Christmas in 8 months that lead me down a windy path of thoughts to retirement in my future. My train of thoughts are like the Doctor Who definition of Timey Wimey. There is never a straight line but multiple branches that all loop around and connect to what might appear to be unrelated subjects. This is how I have functioned for decades and I am now at a bit of a loss.

I think there may be a bit of a learning curve here. I don’t need to be ready for flight. I never really did but my brain tricked my body into thinking there was. I guess I better figure my shit out then. Until next time-stay sane.

NEWEST FUR BABY

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Just over a week ago I decided to adopt a new kitty to go along with my current brood. Notice I didn’t say “a new pet” when starting off. That is because they are all members of our family. Yes, they are pets but they are more than that. They are like spoiled children and in all honestly, I don’t think we truly own our cats. I’m pretty sure they own us. We are the servants who feed them and have the utter joy of scooping their poop.

Let me introduce you to our youngest cuddle buddy, Snoopy

Snoopy on his first day home

Snoopy was adopted from the local SPCA at 19weeks of age. He apparently was surrendered to the shelter at only 3 weeks.

I had a some traits that were necessary for the adoption. I needed a cat that was good with dogs, good with other cats, and young enough to give our almost 2 year old hellion a playmate. This boy fit all the boxes, was super cuddly and so very happy. His little engine was constantly going. He has fit in wonderfully with the other pets. Took about 3 days before he was free to roam and mingle freely.

Snoopy with his new friend Talliah

Talliah, our 7 year old pup is enamoured with him and has been great with all of our cats. Talliah is also a rescue put we adopted at an estimated 1.5 years of age. She had been surrendered after being hit by a car and suffering a hip injury. She is a nervous girl who doesn’t trust easily but once you get past the wall she has up she is the most loving fur baby ever.

Machu and Echo

These are our other 2 kitties that own our household. The boy with the beautiful eyes is Machu. He was part of a bonded pair, his buddy was Picchu, but he unfortunately passed away from cancer about 1 year ago. He is about 14 years old and has survived a stroke. The little void laying next to him stretch out like she owns the basket is Echo. She is turning 2 and was found on the street at night at about 8 weeks. My daughter found her and well, we kept her. Personally I think her name should have been Chaos, or Princess of Darkness with her attitude but Echo it is.

Our house will always have fur babies. They make the house a home. The newest addition just makes it even better. I am never alone. When I am sad or even crying, Echo will reach up to touch my face with her paws while mewing at me. I always have some love in this house.

Snoopy in his little kitty Teepee

well, that is all for this time. Until next time – stay sane.

UNDERSTANDING MY MENTAL HEALTH

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So, I finally got a chance to be assessed and at least get some answers in regards to my mental health. I AM BROKEN! Seriously though, I have been battling with my mental health for quite a long time. Always felt…..wrong. Now I just have names/classifications but no real answers as to how to deal.

In the past I have been told that I had different things and for different reasons:

  1. Depression
  2. Anxiety
  3. ADHD
  4. I have anxiety and depression because of the ADHD
  5. I only have Anxiety
  6. Actually diagnosed with ADHD by a specialist
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder

Now my diagnosis is as follows:

  1. ADHD
  2. General Anxiety Disorder
  3. Social Anxiety Disorder
  4. Panic Disorder
  5. Borderline Personality Traits

What does this mean? Not a lot really. I knew I had ADHD and anxiety. This isn’t really telling me why I think the way I do or feel the way I do. Maybe the new meds will start to help me and I am going to therapy so over time I my no longer feel the way I feel. Like something is wrong with me.

Do you know what it is like to often feel like you have something not quite right with you but you don’t know what? To question if your thought process is correct or your reactions to situations are like other peoples? I often look at people going about their daily lives looking happy and wonder why life seems so difficult for me but not for them. I can only hope that these kinds of thoughts dissipate as time goes by. I just want to feel like I am not broken or damaged.

Anyhoo, that is my rant for the day. Until next time-stay sane.