UNDERSTANDING MY MENTAL HEALTH

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So, I finally got a chance to be assessed and at least get some answers in regards to my mental health. I AM BROKEN! Seriously though, I have been battling with my mental health for quite a long time. Always felt…..wrong. Now I just have names/classifications but no real answers as to how to deal.

In the past I have been told that I had different things and for different reasons:

  1. Depression
  2. Anxiety
  3. ADHD
  4. I have anxiety and depression because of the ADHD
  5. I only have Anxiety
  6. Actually diagnosed with ADHD by a specialist
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder

Now my diagnosis is as follows:

  1. ADHD
  2. General Anxiety Disorder
  3. Social Anxiety Disorder
  4. Panic Disorder
  5. Borderline Personality Traits

What does this mean? Not a lot really. I knew I had ADHD and anxiety. This isn’t really telling me why I think the way I do or feel the way I do. Maybe the new meds will start to help me and I am going to therapy so over time I my no longer feel the way I feel. Like something is wrong with me.

Do you know what it is like to often feel like you have something not quite right with you but you don’t know what? To question if your thought process is correct or your reactions to situations are like other peoples? I often look at people going about their daily lives looking happy and wonder why life seems so difficult for me but not for them. I can only hope that these kinds of thoughts dissipate as time goes by. I just want to feel like I am not broken or damaged.

Anyhoo, that is my rant for the day. Until next time-stay sane.

VALLEY OF 1000 DEVILS

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So I have made, the oh so smart, decision of going on more outdoor adventures.  For some dumb reason I thought going on a hike at a location known as Valley of 1000 Devils.  The name should of been a hint right?

Trail Head Valley of 1000 Devils

10 KM round trip with a narrow foot path through grasslands and around mounds of clay.  Sometimes there were strong winds and then suddenly it would be gone.  Then you could feel the heat that was radiating off of the clay earth and the dryness of the air.

We made it a family affair.  3 of my kids, my visiting dad, and myself.  I thought it shouldn’t be too difficult but it was more difficult than I thought.  My poor body was not conditioned for such an undertaking.  My feel screamed, my legs ached.  Worse?  My DAD was going along like it was nothing.  Well shit, I have to get in better shape.

I do admit, the view was amazing and made it worth it. 

Peak View

I will do something like this again.  Just need to get hiking boots and really prepare myself.

Until I come back-stay sane.

ROADWAY MEMORIES

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I have decided I am super lucky. My demon spawn….ahem….lovely kids, still love the chance to road trip with mom. Now when I say kids I am talking about 15, 19, and 23. I have decided that I will continue to go on road trips with them for as long as they want. Why? Well, I am not an idiot. I know that at some point they will have busy lives and cruising down the highway with their old mom won’t be in the plans.

I try to make the trips fun. Stretch them out so we can make any stops we want. Take pics, explore, be goofy. Music blasting, windows down and loaded on drinks and snacks we hit the road to where ever that trip is taking us. I am planning trips up to Northern BC, The Yukon and still researching more.

When I was growing up my step dad took us camping for 2 weeks every summer. We usually stayed at remote locations as he loved old ghost towns. There were times I may have gotten a little bored but as I grew older I looked back at those trips and I never thought of the bored, just the fun and interesting things we did. I have chosen to make memories for my kids to look back on and say “Mom wasn’t just a raging mean old bitch!”. Ah, yes, the teen years are fun aren’t they?

In todays world people are consumed with things and obtaining “treasures”. Going on those crazy expensive trips around the world. Not that I don’t have places I would love to visit and still hope to do so, BUT, I want my kids to appreciate what we have around us. Memories are important, not things I buy them. I have seen in my kids that they have absorbed this outlook and I am so thankful that they are who they are.

I think we forget that sometimes there is beauty and exploration right in our own backyard and that is what I want to do with my family. Explore, admire, laugh, and make memories. So get the hell outdoors, research a cool out of the way place to check out. Sing loud, eat horribly and laugh together.

Off I go until another thought strikes me. Until then – stay sane.

OVERLOADED

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Do you ever feel like every day is just shit upon shit? Like everything is just hitting you at one time and you just want to cry? Not because you are sad but because you are just so damn angry and frustrated? This feels like it has been my life for so long at this point.

I had a health issue occur last October. I woke up during the night with a bad tension headache. Well, I thought it was a tension headache, but I believe it was actually a signal that my body was about to go all spastic on me. I woke up in the morning with my head still hurting, right at the base of my skull, I logged onto my computer and tried to work. Luckily, my job is remote so I was hanging out in the jammies and looked kinda like death. I was hurting and oh so very tired. I gave up and said I would have to sign off. I layed on the couch in pain that now radiated down my back and I was in tears. Symptoms got worse over the next 24 hours. I woke up with my knees swollen and had a very hard time walking. I felt like my knees were week. I looked like a new born foal trying to learn how to stand. Its funny now if I think about it but damn, not at the time.

I went to our local small town hospital. Tests were run and they found inflammation in my body with no found cause. Now my doc wanted me to see a Rheumatologist. He was thinking I had Rheumatoid Arthritis. The bad part? Until he spoke to the specialist, he couldn’t give me the one medication he said would take all the pain away. The specialist would probably want further blood tests first. I had to wait a few days taking anything I could to stave off the pain but I could walk again. I did however; get hit with the worst case of Vertigo I could ever dare have. 2 hours on my couch, laying down, scared to move even a fraction of an inch or the room would spin and I would feel like I was dying.

To condense things a bit it is now 9 months later. No Rheumatoid Arthritis. They suspected Lupus but nope. They cannot tell me what happened or if it will happen again. Literally without warning which scares the crap out of me. What if I am on a trip or something? I still feel aches, pains, tingling, it kicked up carpal tunnel on me in a horrible way. I never had it before that episode and now I have to wear braces all the time. I get cramps in my feet and lower legs just be moving slightly during the night. I get what I refer to as a COLD burning sensation in my arms they cannot give me answers for. The last answer I got was “maybe you have Fibromyalgia”. Well thank you fucking much. What do I with that? Do I? Don’t I? Is that just so you can give me some kind of answer because you really don’t have a clue?

Now I could fully understand if some symptoms are from my Hashimotos (hypothyroidism to the point of the thyroid is basically burnt out), maybe some from perimenopause but FFS someone actually tell me and maybe give me a little help? I knew getting older would have its issues but my mother, with a hear condition, is in better shape than me at this point.

Well, another rant of frustration. Until next time – stay sane.

I GOT DISTRACTED

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I swear, I am amazed that I can function some days because my brain is somewhere doing the tango on a lily pad. I cannot keep a thought going longer than 30 seconds most days. The whole point to having this “place” to air out my issues, grievances, frustrations, whatever the hell I want to write about page, gets pushed out to left field and then I just rattle around in my own bloody head.

I have been dealing with frustrations regarding my physical and mental health. I feel as if I am not listened to. This rant is all about my mental health.

Is it really too much to ask for someone, a medical professional, to actually take the time to talk to me? FFS, I would have better luck corralling a group of feral cats while blowing a bugal and riding a moose.

For 30+ years I have felt “wrong” in my head. Questioning myself on how I think, feel, or react. I have been told I had depression, anxiety, depression caused by anxiety, ADHD and round and round I go. The latest was a diagnosis of BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. Okay, so that could make sense BUT they diagnosed me off of past doctor reports because they are too “busy” to actually talk to me. Well WTF? I have questions. What do I do? How do I deal with something that has impacted my life for over 30 years. The feelings of being lost, alone, worthless. How do you deal? Were I live there is such a shortage of physiatrists, that unless you are seriously on the edge, they cannot even take the time to talk to you.

My family doc is trying again to get me in to see someone but I do not hold onto too much hope and the only option I have it to privately pay for a full assessment. I am not sure about the majority of people but I don’t have an extra $3800 – $4200 laying around for the costs, however; I am now running out of any options if I want to get the help and guidance I need.

I try to find the little things in my life that are “happy” things. Could be the beautiful sunset, or the family of birds nesting in one of my trees, but to keep the positive can be a struggle somedays.

I will just have to keep coming here to spew and rant. Just to get stuff out, but it won’t always be “bad” stuff. I do have happy moments as well. I love humour and being silly so I will try to bring a bit of that as well.

Until I remember to post again, stay sane.

WELCOME TO THE SHIT SHOW

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WHAT? WHY? WHERE? I seem to be asking myself those types of questions everyday.  What the hell is going on?  Why does life seem to suck so much some days?  Where did I put that?  Everyday I feel like I ask question upon question yet rarely get answers.  Or at least any that make sense to me. My days often consist of a small battle going on in my own little brain over the stupidest things.

ADHD, ahhhhh, so much fun.  I can get bursts of idealistic energy and am sure I can reorganize my entire kitchen in a day.  I mean top to bottom scrubbed, organized, looking pretty.  You know how often that has actually happen?  I big fat ZERO.  I will start by pulling stuff out of a bunch of cupboards and placing then on the counter.  At some point I will come across an item that shouldn’t even be in the kitchen.  I think to myself “I better put this in the bedroom before I forget”.  Off I toddle to my bedroom, my mind buzzing with happiness because I am being productive,  where as I go to put it away I notice some stuff in the closet has fallen off the hangers.  Better fix that. Oh, I haven’t worn this in years maybe I should get rid of it.  Well I might as well go through my whole closet. Half way through that I now have a pile of laundry I should throw in.  Off I toddle once again still feeling productive.  Into the laundry room I go, start the load of laundry, only to notice the machines could use a wiping down.  Well now that I cleaned them I see the floor needs sweeping.  OMG….I am feeling drained.  I think I can call it a day.  I walk back up and into the kitchen only to look around at the disaster left in my wake of “productivity”.  SHIT!

Lets face it.  We all know that this disaster is going to hang around until I can get another hyper energized burst so until then, I’m going to go chill in another room so I don’t have to see it and will probably forget about it until I need to get a drink or something.