Tag Archives: depression

Am I Numb or normal?

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As mentioned previously in another post I have struggled with anxiety for a very long time along with other issues. I have been on a new medication for just over a month now and I can feel the difference. The issue is I cannot tell if how I now feel is normal or am I numb?

Anxiety caused me to care and worry to excessive amounts. I cared about things I did in the past, and I am talking 30+ years in the past. I cared about what people thought of me, I worried about the present, past and future. I worried about my kids, my health, happiness, life, lack of a life, you name it and it was running through my head in a thoughts marathon. Now? Its quiet. I am not constantly fretting over some current issue or imagined issue. My head feels quieter and in a way it is freaking me out. Is this “normal”? I honestly have nothing to compare it too. I am still scatterbrained with ADHD so Its not total hushed but nothing like it was.

There are moments when I am sitting at my desk where I find myself pondering if I really just don’t care about the vast amount of crap I worried about anymore or if I am slightly numbed by the medication. I don’t think I know how to function when not in a constant high tension fight or flight mode. Now I am more of a “MEH!” mentality.

I have to say that before I was on this medication I would stress about what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just settle my brain and focus on the here and now. Why was I worried about Christmas in 8 months that lead me down a windy path of thoughts to retirement in my future. My train of thoughts are like the Doctor Who definition of Timey Wimey. There is never a straight line but multiple branches that all loop around and connect to what might appear to be unrelated subjects. This is how I have functioned for decades and I am now at a bit of a loss.

I think there may be a bit of a learning curve here. I don’t need to be ready for flight. I never really did but my brain tricked my body into thinking there was. I guess I better figure my shit out then. Until next time-stay sane.

UNDERSTANDING MY MENTAL HEALTH

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So, I finally got a chance to be assessed and at least get some answers in regards to my mental health. I AM BROKEN! Seriously though, I have been battling with my mental health for quite a long time. Always felt…..wrong. Now I just have names/classifications but no real answers as to how to deal.

In the past I have been told that I had different things and for different reasons:

  1. Depression
  2. Anxiety
  3. ADHD
  4. I have anxiety and depression because of the ADHD
  5. I only have Anxiety
  6. Actually diagnosed with ADHD by a specialist
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder

Now my diagnosis is as follows:

  1. ADHD
  2. General Anxiety Disorder
  3. Social Anxiety Disorder
  4. Panic Disorder
  5. Borderline Personality Traits

What does this mean? Not a lot really. I knew I had ADHD and anxiety. This isn’t really telling me why I think the way I do or feel the way I do. Maybe the new meds will start to help me and I am going to therapy so over time I my no longer feel the way I feel. Like something is wrong with me.

Do you know what it is like to often feel like you have something not quite right with you but you don’t know what? To question if your thought process is correct or your reactions to situations are like other peoples? I often look at people going about their daily lives looking happy and wonder why life seems so difficult for me but not for them. I can only hope that these kinds of thoughts dissipate as time goes by. I just want to feel like I am not broken or damaged.

Anyhoo, that is my rant for the day. Until next time-stay sane.

I GOT DISTRACTED

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I swear, I am amazed that I can function some days because my brain is somewhere doing the tango on a lily pad. I cannot keep a thought going longer than 30 seconds most days. The whole point to having this “place” to air out my issues, grievances, frustrations, whatever the hell I want to write about page, gets pushed out to left field and then I just rattle around in my own bloody head.

I have been dealing with frustrations regarding my physical and mental health. I feel as if I am not listened to. This rant is all about my mental health.

Is it really too much to ask for someone, a medical professional, to actually take the time to talk to me? FFS, I would have better luck corralling a group of feral cats while blowing a bugal and riding a moose.

For 30+ years I have felt “wrong” in my head. Questioning myself on how I think, feel, or react. I have been told I had depression, anxiety, depression caused by anxiety, ADHD and round and round I go. The latest was a diagnosis of BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. Okay, so that could make sense BUT they diagnosed me off of past doctor reports because they are too “busy” to actually talk to me. Well WTF? I have questions. What do I do? How do I deal with something that has impacted my life for over 30 years. The feelings of being lost, alone, worthless. How do you deal? Were I live there is such a shortage of physiatrists, that unless you are seriously on the edge, they cannot even take the time to talk to you.

My family doc is trying again to get me in to see someone but I do not hold onto too much hope and the only option I have it to privately pay for a full assessment. I am not sure about the majority of people but I don’t have an extra $3800 – $4200 laying around for the costs, however; I am now running out of any options if I want to get the help and guidance I need.

I try to find the little things in my life that are “happy” things. Could be the beautiful sunset, or the family of birds nesting in one of my trees, but to keep the positive can be a struggle somedays.

I will just have to keep coming here to spew and rant. Just to get stuff out, but it won’t always be “bad” stuff. I do have happy moments as well. I love humour and being silly so I will try to bring a bit of that as well.

Until I remember to post again, stay sane.